she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
