i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
