Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
