Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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