So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
