paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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