my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
