I can feel you judging me through the phone.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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