Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
