her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
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But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
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You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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