seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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