I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
