my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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