I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
