What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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