I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
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