All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
