Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
