Moan for me like Helen Keller
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
