Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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