his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
