Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
