If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
