Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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