come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
