I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
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