He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
