my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
