I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
