A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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