u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
