The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
sarcasm needs its own font
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
