Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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