i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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