does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
the night ended with taco bell and tears
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
