Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
