She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
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lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
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I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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