Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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