i'm signing you up for texting rehab
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
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