i need an iv and a liver transplant
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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