It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
