You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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