Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
