My friends, they love my intelligence
id be glad to
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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