I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
