Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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