Is it normal to miss your booty call?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
