My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
