then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm passing your future prison.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
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She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
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I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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