I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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