the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
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Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
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You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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