life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
it's great music for shaving your balls
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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