I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
His hands were made for my vagina.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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