At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So much Jack, so little girl.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
