Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
