just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
They are going to name an STD after you.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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