oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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