i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
