I think I won the penis lottery.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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