P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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