I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i was born a porn star she said
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
