Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
just found out that she named her cat after me.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
